I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
