I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
