He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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