I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
