And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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