He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
