I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
