i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
