if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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