I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
