I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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