im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
