your parents love me but you hate me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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