K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
