He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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