just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
