theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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