Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
