you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
