i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
