I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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