you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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