So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
