Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize