i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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