apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
