I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
