sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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