Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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