I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
