When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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