She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
