does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
