She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
