Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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