ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
