dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Randomize
