He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
