plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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