Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
