I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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