Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
