there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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