All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
