just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
