Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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