there was a trapeze. enough said
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
