Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
