We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
