Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
