turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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