No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize