so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
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