Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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