I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
be right there i have to get my cape
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
