do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
