i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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