I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
