listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
