T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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