Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
