I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize