Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
