Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
