i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
