so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
