your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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