Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
