I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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