Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
