I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
